Category Archives: writing

So one ofthe things I’ve been working on, in between ranting and raving about the state of the country, is this idiotic and silly piece of writing. Names have been changed to protect the incredibly guilty. It’s a work in progress, so I may post more as I come up with it.

A Yet-Untitled Piece of Insanity
Copyright (c) 2016 by the blonde, All rights reserved. May not be quoted or published elsewhere without this author’s express, written permission.

         Once upon a time there existed a fantastical and balmy land known to the Universe at large as Preposterous Patria. To those who lived within its asinine borders, it was an area known simply as “SillyLand”. The longer title was held in reserve for special events, such as visiting foreign dignitaries, the launching of a new ship, and the local high school’s prom tickets. None of those things matters on this day.

For on this day, throughout the land, it was announced that Her Royal Highness, Princess Asya Scarlette, was to graduate from the general Institution of the Inane and was moving up to the Southern Royal Academy for the Further Instruction of Royal Etiquette and Education. While this is truly important day in any princess’s life, it is not the point of our story.

Far to the North, the Princess’ mother, First Princess of the Blood, Her Royal Highness Lillith Victoria, was beginning a great sojourn south to see her daughter graduate. Alongside her was Her Grace the Grand Duchesse of Somnolence, Gabriella Michaela Reseda, best friend to Princess Lilith and fairy godmother to Princess Asya. That is where our true story begins.

“You’re sure you have everything?” Prince Elymas the Kindhearted asked. Prince Elymas was not just a prince; he was also the realm’s primary sorcerer and magician who also fancied himself a world-renowned traveler. Often in search of new death-defying magics and spells, he travelled far more than the Princess Lilith and thus was concerned about her and the Duchesse and their wandering so far afield on their own.

“Relax, milord,” replied Princess Lilith. “For we have all we could want. Gifts for Princess Asya the Sassy, gifts for my parents, her guardians, a well-kept and nourished steed with great focus, a knowledgeable magicked guide, and miniature musicians for entertainment. We shall be fine.”

“Don’t forget, we also have the speaking devices that were specially spelled so that we may all keep in contact throughout the duration of the journey,” the Duchesse added.

“I suppose,” said Prince Elymas. He sighed, looking a bit forlorn. “Come here, my princess, so that I may take my leave of you properly.” Prince Elymas, although he tried to keep a reputation of being a stern and formidable sorcerer, was really a marshmallow. Kissing the princess thoroughly, he also hugged the Duchesse, whom he oft treated as a younger sister. Always the gentleman, he opened the coach doors, kissed the princess again, and waved them off.

“How long do you think it will be before he contacts us through the speaking device?” Princess Lilith asked with a slight edge to her voice, a combination of loving annoyance and humor.

The Duchesse giggled. “He shall at least wait until we are at the end of the road. You have the directions for the first part of the journey?”

“Of course, courtesy of Prince Elymas the Kindhearted. We shall follow the Great Road south for several miles, and cross over the Lenape River and continue the southern route along the inner shore until reaching the home of Princess Asya and her guardians. Should we stray from our path, we will count on the good advice of Sir Julio the Navigational Knight. Before we get really started though, let us fill the coach with fuel and stock our own baskets with victuals so that we will not have to stop and answer to the whims of our stomachs too soon into our drive.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Before long, the Princess and the Duchesse were well on their way. Separately, they were both accomplished voyagers and couldn’t understand why their respective families were worried about this particular trip. The Duchesse’s father, Solomon, His Grace the Grand Duke, was highly protective of the young, headstrong Duchesse and the troubles she was wont to get into. He understood that there was no arguing with the Duchesse once she got an idea in her head, and it was worse when she and HRH the Princess were together. They had already managed to get themselves banned from the neighboring kingdom for an unfortunate incident at that kingdom’s Summer Beach Concert Ball, something involving an over-abundance of sangria and a local squire’s son. Still, he would try. His Grace the Grand Duke and his daughter were very much alike. It gave her mother, the Her Grace the Dowager Duchesse, many headaches. HRH Prince Elymas was more inclined to worry, knowing more of the details of the escapades that ladies got themselves involved in.

It was these details the ladies were laughing over when the Princess Lilith commented on a slight unfamiliarity in the highway.

“This area is most unusual. Duchesse, could you please check the magicked guide?”

The Duchesse fumbled around through the mountains of miniature musicians, refreshments, wraps, and gifts until she found Sir Julio, the Navigational Knight. A young knight who had been cursed by a cantankerous witch with a horrific case of PMS, he was doomed to live his life in a mere two-inch tall metal box, a sort of tortured genie. Instead of granting wishes, he used his innate sense of direction and hired out to guide travelers all throughout Preposterous Patria. “Sir Julio, what say you?” asked the Duchesse, holding him up so he could peer out the window.

“Sweet Princess, I fear you have missed a turn over the Great River Bridge. This means you must now travel through the Five Cantons of the Excessively Vast Crimson Achene. It may be perilous. Good luck.” The good Sir Julio ducked back into his box.

“The Five Cantons? Is he crazy? We’ll be lucky if we don’t get a halberd through our windscreen, or caltrops under our wheels. Listen, you cantankerous canker blossom, how did we manage to miss the turn to begin with? You’re the Navigational Knight aboard this coach. Aren’t you supposed to tell us these things?” Princess Lilith, a bit pink around the edges, demanded.

Sir Julio blew a raspberry in her direction. “There was construction, just as there always is in this gods-forsaken city. Now don’t expect any help from me for a while.”

Duchesse Gabriella stared at the Knight’s box, wide-eyed with incredulity. “Well, engage softly with me in coitus with a sharp series of jointed metal rings.”