Monthly Archives: April 2016

A Trip into Absurdity

So one ofthe things I’ve been working on, in between ranting and raving about the state of the country, is this idiotic and silly piece of writing. Names have been changed to protect the incredibly guilty. It’s a work in progress, so I may post more as I come up with it.

A Yet-Untitled Piece of Insanity
Copyright (c) 2016 by the blonde, All rights reserved. May not be quoted or published elsewhere without this author’s express, written permission.

         Once upon a time there existed a fantastical and balmy land known to the Universe at large as Preposterous Patria. To those who lived within its asinine borders, it was an area known simply as “SillyLand”. The longer title was held in reserve for special events, such as visiting foreign dignitaries, the launching of a new ship, and the local high school’s prom tickets. None of those things matters on this day.

For on this day, throughout the land, it was announced that Her Royal Highness, Princess Asya Scarlette, was to graduate from the general Institution of the Inane and was moving up to the Southern Royal Academy for the Further Instruction of Royal Etiquette and Education. While this is truly important day in any princess’s life, it is not the point of our story.

Far to the North, the Princess’ mother, First Princess of the Blood, Her Royal Highness Lillith Victoria, was beginning a great sojourn south to see her daughter graduate. Alongside her was Her Grace the Grand Duchesse of Somnolence, Gabriella Michaela Reseda, best friend to Princess Lilith and fairy godmother to Princess Asya. That is where our true story begins.

“You’re sure you have everything?” Prince Elymas the Kindhearted asked. Prince Elymas was not just a prince; he was also the realm’s primary sorcerer and magician who also fancied himself a world-renowned traveler. Often in search of new death-defying magics and spells, he travelled far more than the Princess Lilith and thus was concerned about her and the Duchesse and their wandering so far afield on their own.

“Relax, milord,” replied Princess Lilith. “For we have all we could want. Gifts for Princess Asya the Sassy, gifts for my parents, her guardians, a well-kept and nourished steed with great focus, a knowledgeable magicked guide, and miniature musicians for entertainment. We shall be fine.”

“Don’t forget, we also have the speaking devices that were specially spelled so that we may all keep in contact throughout the duration of the journey,” the Duchesse added.

“I suppose,” said Prince Elymas. He sighed, looking a bit forlorn. “Come here, my princess, so that I may take my leave of you properly.” Prince Elymas, although he tried to keep a reputation of being a stern and formidable sorcerer, was really a marshmallow. Kissing the princess thoroughly, he also hugged the Duchesse, whom he oft treated as a younger sister. Always the gentleman, he opened the coach doors, kissed the princess again, and waved them off.

“How long do you think it will be before he contacts us through the speaking device?” Princess Lilith asked with a slight edge to her voice, a combination of loving annoyance and humor.

The Duchesse giggled. “He shall at least wait until we are at the end of the road. You have the directions for the first part of the journey?”

“Of course, courtesy of Prince Elymas the Kindhearted. We shall follow the Great Road south for several miles, and cross over the Lenape River and continue the southern route along the inner shore until reaching the home of Princess Asya and her guardians. Should we stray from our path, we will count on the good advice of Sir Julio the Navigational Knight. Before we get really started though, let us fill the coach with fuel and stock our own baskets with victuals so that we will not have to stop and answer to the whims of our stomachs too soon into our drive.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Before long, the Princess and the Duchesse were well on their way. Separately, they were both accomplished voyagers and couldn’t understand why their respective families were worried about this particular trip. The Duchesse’s father, Solomon, His Grace the Grand Duke, was highly protective of the young, headstrong Duchesse and the troubles she was wont to get into. He understood that there was no arguing with the Duchesse once she got an idea in her head, and it was worse when she and HRH the Princess were together. They had already managed to get themselves banned from the neighboring kingdom for an unfortunate incident at that kingdom’s Summer Beach Concert Ball, something involving an over-abundance of sangria and a local squire’s son. Still, he would try. His Grace the Grand Duke and his daughter were very much alike. It gave her mother, the Her Grace the Dowager Duchesse, many headaches. HRH Prince Elymas was more inclined to worry, knowing more of the details of the escapades that ladies got themselves involved in.

It was these details the ladies were laughing over when the Princess Lilith commented on a slight unfamiliarity in the highway.

“This area is most unusual. Duchesse, could you please check the magicked guide?”

The Duchesse fumbled around through the mountains of miniature musicians, refreshments, wraps, and gifts until she found Sir Julio, the Navigational Knight. A young knight who had been cursed by a cantankerous witch with a horrific case of PMS, he was doomed to live his life in a mere two-inch tall metal box, a sort of tortured genie. Instead of granting wishes, he used his innate sense of direction and hired out to guide travelers all throughout Preposterous Patria. “Sir Julio, what say you?” asked the Duchesse, holding him up so he could peer out the window.

“Sweet Princess, I fear you have missed a turn over the Great River Bridge. This means you must now travel through the Five Cantons of the Excessively Vast Crimson Achene. It may be perilous. Good luck.” The good Sir Julio ducked back into his box.

“The Five Cantons? Is he crazy? We’ll be lucky if we don’t get a halberd through our windscreen, or caltrops under our wheels. Listen, you cantankerous canker blossom, how did we manage to miss the turn to begin with? You’re the Navigational Knight aboard this coach. Aren’t you supposed to tell us these things?” Princess Lilith, a bit pink around the edges, demanded.

Sir Julio blew a raspberry in her direction. “There was construction, just as there always is in this gods-forsaken city. Now don’t expect any help from me for a while.”

Duchesse Gabriella stared at the Knight’s box, wide-eyed with incredulity. “Well, engage softly with me in coitus with a sharp series of jointed metal rings.”

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Filed under humor, writing

An Addendum on Yesterday’s Crazy

As of this writing, the #BoycottTarget petition has gathered 975,444 signatures.

Quite the statement.

Really want to make your voice heard? Make sure to start shopping at their competitors. Start with “Mom and Pop” businesses. Support your local shops. If you need to go big,: Hobby Lobby. WalMart. Aldi. Academy Sports. Cabela’s. Toy’s “R” Us. Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Dick’s Sporting Goods. Publix. Trader Joe’s. All businesses that have a reputation for being “family friendly”.

We cannot count on the “powers that be” to advocate for our safety. We need to do it ourselves. Put pressure on places like Target* by shopping elsewhere. Don’t enroll in universities before checking their policies thoroughly. Do your research. It’s election season. You have to be ready to back yourself up practically every time you post an unfavorable opinion (read: not something the MSM or the liberal left would agree with) on Facebook.

Gandhi-great-quote

*Target started jumping the shark a few years ago, after there was a massive leftist outcry following a donation by the company to a politician who did not support gay marriage. They’ve been “atoning” for this mistake ever since, with massively public displays of affection for the LBGTABCQMXYZ crowd, eliminating gender-specific sections in their children’s clothing and toy departments, and demanding that guns not be carried on their premises, despite a very legal right to do so by those holding concealed carry permits. (Massachusetts has an open carry law, though most people don’t take advantage of it because of the Chicken Little effect it would cause; would they prefer that right be exercised?) Anyway, Target is not the only company pushing this dangerous gender-neutral nonsense. Starbucks and Barnes and Noble have also joined up to shoot themselves in the foot. As of midnight on Friday morning (when I’m updating this, because my stupid radiatiors sound like they’re possessed) the #BoycottTarget petition has reached 1,002,916 signatures.

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Filed under culture, current events, education, humanity, men and women, politics, War on Women

This Post Brought To You By an Unbelievable Level of Stupid, Courtesy of the Liberal Left

Otherwise entitled: Society has lost its collective mind and I just can’t right now.

  1. Seattle, WA: A man undresses in a women’s restroom, citing a new rule in the city that allows people to choose a bathroom based on gender “identity”
  2. Prince William County, VA: A man dressed as a woman was arrested after police say he was caught peeping/filming into restroom stalls three times in the past year.
  3. Palmdale, CA: A 33 y/o Palmdale man who allegedly dressed as a woman while secretly videotaping females using a department store bathroom was charged with six counts of unlawful use of a concealed camera for the purposes of sexual gratification.
  4. Ontario, Canada: A biological man claiming to be transgender so as to gain access to women at two Toronto shelters was jailed “indefinitely” after being declared by a judge a “dangerous offender”. The man assaulted and raped multiple women, including a Deaf woman.
  5. Toronto, Canada: The University of Toronto recently changed its transgender restroom policy after multiple peeping incidents.
  6. Smyrna, TN: William David was arrested in Wisconsin but was extradited to TN to face felony charges relating to filming women inside Smyrna restrooms, including aggravated sexual exploitation of a minor.
  7. Orange, CA: A 24 y/o man was arrested after a hidden cell phone was recording video inside a unisex, single-stall restroom at Chapman University.
  8. Pitman, NJ: A teacher, school bus driver, and high school student were among 16 people facing child pornography charges in New Jersey. Thomas Guzzi Jr., 36, of Pitman, is also charged with 3rd degree invasion of privacy for allegedly hiding a tablet computer in a bathroom stall to record video of others using the toilet.
  9. Logan County, OK: 43 y/o James Curt Rose sits behind bars for videotaping a 13y/o in the showers at a YMCA
  10. Iowa City, IA: University of Iowa police arrest a man connected with the videotaping of a women who was showering in a residence hall.
  11. Quarryville, PA: 19y/o James Thomas Shoemaker was arrested and faces child porn charges for hiding in a woman’s restroom and taking pictures of young girls on his cell phone.
  12. Montgomery County, PA: A man was arrested at a Target Store after a female patron caught him attempting to spy on her while she was in the dressing room.
  13. Athens, GA: A man was seen on security cameras in a local Target sneaking into a women’s restroom and using his cell phone to take pictures of the ladies in there. He was detained by store security until police arrived.
  14. Brentwood, MO: 26y/o Matthew Foestrel is accused of holding a camera under a Target dressing room door while a female patron was trying on bathing suits. He was convicted of “knowingly and intentionally” filming an 11 y/o girl in a dressing room while partially nude. Foestrel was also charged with unlawful possession of a firearm.
  15. Petersburg, FL: To demonstrate the absurdity of the Target policy, a man, dressed as a man, acting as a man, records a conversation between himself and the store manager in which the man asks if it’s okay that he uses the women’s room because he “feels uncomfortable” in the men’s room. The manager assures him that it is, and he will deal with any complaints from women already using the facilities. The man leaves, as he was only proving a point.
    no_trouble

There are more, of course, but I’m sick of looking at double screens to get the details. I think you begin to get the gist: the idea of allowing one to use whichever restroom or fitting room, or any other place people of a single sex usually gather while in a state of dishabille, they “feel” best suits their “identity” at the moment, is a truly terrible idea.

Now, allow me to clarify one thing. I am not talking about the roughly 700,000 people (out of 323,439,000) in the nation that are transgender. (Although it is biologically and scientifically impossible to turn a man into a woman, or vice versa, that is a post for a different day.) No, I’m taking about the 808,675 (and growing) registered sex offenders in this country and her territories. Now, that’s about 0.25% of the population. Transgenders make up even less than that, even less than the usually reported 0.30%- it’s more like 0.22%. Ergo:

Sex offender population > transgender population

So I’m sorry, but my safety and security as a woman, and the safety and security of other women and girls trumps your “comfort”. Sure, there are plenty of perverts and deviants who would assault women before policies like this, but now we’ve just opened Pandora’s Box and made it extremely easy for them to do so, because now no one will initially question their presence in what should be a ladies-only area. But think about it. I stop at one of these quietly gender-neutral friendly stores after work (because it sure won’t be a vocal one like Target. #BoycottTarget) to pick up a few things. I was in a rush to get out of the building and have to use the restroom. Like most store restrooms, this one is tucked in an out-of-the-way place, away from most of the other patrons. I’m carrying my purse and I’m wearing high heels- not conducive to running. Inside the ladies’ room in a man, dressed as woman, and he’s not there to pee and leave. I’m 5’1 and barely over 100lbs. What are the odds that your average male is not going to have a super difficult time overpowering me?

Ladies, before you get all gung-ho about equal-rights rah-rah-rah, think about how often you already have your guard up, walking alone on the street, in a bar, etc. How often are you made to feel uncomfortable by something uncouth a man does, or says. How frequently do we already go to the restroom in “packs”? It’s not because we need someone to help us wipe our butts. It’s protection for ourselves and each other. Why on God’s green earth would you support something to further endanger yourself?

 

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April 27, 2016 · 9:33 pm